


More Than Words

by cindyls1969



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 17:39:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13346199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cindyls1969/pseuds/cindyls1969
Summary: Someone finds the red book and puts the words that turn Bucky into the Winter Soldier out in the world for anyone to see. Bucky's terrified that someone will use him again and want's Steve to put him out of his misery. Steve has other ideas.This story assumes that Bucky is no longer in cryo in Wakanda.





	More Than Words

**Author's Note:**

> Completely unbeta'd. Let me know if you think it needs a smutty but sweet epilogue.

“You gotta kill me.”

Steve shot out of bed, finding his feet immediately, even if his brain wasn’t fully functioning yet. The gun in Bucky’s outstretched hand let him know that other man was serious in his demand. “What the hell are you talking about?” 

Bucky was vibrating. “You gotta take this gun and blow my brains out. I can’t do it, I tried. Another fucking choice Hydra took from me.” He stepped closer to Steve and grabbed his hand, shoving the gun in it and closing Steve’s fist around it. “I have to die and you’re the only one I trust to actually do it instead of using me for their own purposes.”

Steve shook his head and stepped back, taking the gun with him. He checked to make sure the safety was on before tossing it on the bed. “You need to tell me what’s going on here pal. When you went to bed a few hours ago, everything was fine and now you’re telling me you want to die? You’re going to have to give me something to go on Buck.”

Bucky clenched his fists, frustration and anger flowing off him in waves. “I got a message, an email message, telling me that someone had found that fucking book. You know the one with the words? And they’ve scanned it and sent it to everyone.”

Steve was immediately pissed. “What do you mean everyone? Who in the hell could they have sent it to?”

“It’s everywhere Steve. They’ve published it on every form of social media, sent it to all the news outlets…fucking Fox news keeps reading them out on the air. Every Tom, Dick and Harry has the words that'll rip my world apart and I can’t take the chance that someone will turn me into that monster and make me hurt people again. They could make me hurt you again and I can’t live with that.” Bucky was starting to hyperventilate, a panic attack threatening to bring him to his knees.

Steve was horrified, both by the horrific consequences of what had been done and by Bucky’s reaction to it. “Bucky, I’m not going to kill you. I can’t. I think you know that.”

Bucky’s head dropped, defeat weighing down his posture. “Then I’ll go ask Stark. He’ll do it. You know he will. He’s been itching to get me dead since he found out about his parent’s. At least then it will do some good. Give him some justice.” Looking up, he gazed into Steve’s eyes. “Take care Stevie. You’re gonna be okay pal. I know it.” 

Steve stood there, paralyzed by fear as Bucky turned back toward the door. He’d almost reached it when Steve finally broke free. “Dammit Bucky, just wait a minute!” He leapt forward and grabbed Bucky by the shoulders, pulling him back. “Tony isn’t going to kill you. Yeah, he’s pissed but the more he reads those Hydra files that Nat brought him the more he understands that it wasn’t your fault.”

Turning Bucky around Steve pushed him down to sit on the bed. Kneeling in front of him, Steve took his hand. “I’m not going to let anyone use you or hurt you Buck. Not ever again.”

Bucky refused to look up at him. “How are you gonna stop them? Seriously. Some stupid kid walking down the street could say the words just to be an asshole. What then? I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore Steve. I’m so tired of fighting.”

Steve took a deep breath and blew it out before reaching out to gently lift Bucky’s chin. “I think it’s time we let Wanda try Buck. I know it scares the hell out of you, having her go in and play with your mind, but I trust her with my life and I’m willing to trust her with yours. If she can disarm those triggers stuck in your head, won’t it be worth it?” Fear of losing Bucky again had Steve being reckless but he didn’t care. He pushed Bucky’s hair out of his eyes and cradled his face in his hands. “I can’t lose you again. Please don’t make me.”

Bucky looked at Steve, his blue-grey eyes filled with fear. “Steve what if I…” He trailed off, swallowing hard before continuing. “What if I hurt her? What if he comes back and I can’t escape him again? What if I hurt you?”

Steve cradled Bucky’s face in his hands, gently wiping away the tears that Bucky probably didn’t even realize were falling. “I promise you Buck, I won’t let you. Bruce has been working on restraints that can hold the big guy, and while they won’t hold him yet, they will definitely hold you.”

Bucky scowled. “How do you know they’ll hold me?”

Steve took a deep breath. “Because I tested them. Had Wanda and Tony strap me in and then Wanda put something in my head. Made it seem like I was watching Hydra scientists torture you and if I couldn’t get out of them to stop that, then you won’t be able to either.”

Bucky reached up and slid his hand around the back of Steve’s neck, fingers rubbing the tense muscles there softly. “Jesus, Stevie. Why in the hell would you do that to yourself?”

“Because I want you to be free. I couldn’t stop them from torturing you for all those years but maybe I can fix some of the damage I caused you.” They’d never talked about Steve’s guilt. He hadn’t wanted to burden Bucky with that too, so he’d kept it to himself, but it was always there, simmering in the background. Every time Bucky had a bad day, when he woke up screaming and bleeding from trying to claw the metal arm out of his shoulder, the guilt he felt got heavier. Every time Bucky remembered something he did, someone he killed and was devastated, Steve knew it was his fault. 

Bucky pulled him in and wrapped his arms around him. “None of that was your fault Steve. We went to war and terrible things happen in war. I was drafted, you didn’t send me there. You were the one who went of your own free will. We did our best, along with the rest of the Commando’s. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything that happened. You just fumbled along with the rest of us.”

Steve clung to Bucky and took a shaky breath. “But I lost you Buck. I lost you and I couldn’t do it without you. I should have looked for you, and I didn’t, and look what happened?”

Bucky pulled back and looked into Steve’s eyes. “Listen, if one of the other guys had fallen from that train, would you have ever thought that they might have survived? No, of course not. There was no reason for you to assume that I did. And going back to look for a body would have been a stupid waste of resources and an unnecessary danger to the men. The only people who should be taking the blame for any of this are those Hydra assholes who did this to both of us. Do you understand?”

Steve gave him a watery smile. “Yeah, I understand, but do you? You said it yourself Buck, it was their fault, not mine and certainly not yours. Will you let go of your guilt enough to let us try and help you?”

Bucky shook his head and gave Steve a small grin. “You’re still a sneaky little bugger Rodgers, no matter how big you’ve gotten.” Bucky released Steve and rubbed his hands over his face. “Okay, let’s give this a try.” He looked up at Steve. “You have to promise me, if it doesn’t work, or if he comes back and won’t go away, you’ll kill me. I don’t want to live like this anymore, wondering if I’m going to hurt the people I care about because I have no control over my own mind.”

Steve was about to object, but the look in Bucky’s eyes stopped him. Bucky was still terrified, but he was doing this because Steve wanted him to. If the only way he could give Bucky a little peace of mind was to make a promise, then he’d do it. “Okay, I give you my word. I won’t let you hurt anyone.”

Bucky took Steve’s hands and gave them a little shake. “That includes you. Don’t let me hurt you, please.”

Steve nodded. “I won’t. But I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.” He gave Bucky’s hands a squeeze and then let go, standing up and walking to the beside table to grab his phone. “I’m calling Wanda right now. I don’t want to take any chances of running into someone who might try and use the code words.”

Standing up, Bucky walked over and took the phone out of Steve’s hands. “Just a sec. I need to tell you something before we do this.” He took a deep breath, obviously bracing himself. “I want you to know how much you mean to me Steve…”

Steve smiled shyly. “I know Buck.” 

Bucky shook his head. “No, you really don’t. Seems like my whole damn world has been revolving around you since I was 9 years old and even when I couldn’t remember you, I think there was some part of me that wouldn’t let go. I think that’s why they kept wiping me so often and kept me frozen, because I’d start to remember you and how much I needed to get back to you.”

“Oh Bucky…” Steve felt like his heart was going to explode, with pain or happiness, he wasn’t sure which.

“And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, but I love you so damn much.” Bucky grinned and shook his head. “God, I’ve wanted to tell you that for so long.”

Steve gasped. “How long Buck? How long have you been hanging on to this?”

Bucky shrugged. “Since I was 15 years old and Sarah Louise Barnham kissed you on the cheek for helping her with her homework. I was so angry and it took me most of the day to figure out why.” He laughed. “I was jealous because that girl got to kiss you and I didn’t. Shocked the hell out of me when I figured it out.”

Steve was speechless. All this time, while he’d been pining for Bucky, he’d been pining for Steve right back. 

“I fought it for a few years, tried to convince myself that it was just friendship I was feeling, but after a while I gave up. I loved you…still love you and to be honest, I don’t care who knows about it. I just wanted you to know because you deserve to know how much I care about you, especially if this doesn’t work right. 

Steve grinned. “We’re both a couple of idiots.” Reaching up, he took Bucky’s face in his hands and pulled him in close. “I’m gonna kiss you now, unless you have any objections?”

“Steve, you don’t gotta kiss me just because you’re worried I might leave you…”

Steve leaned his forehead against Bucky’s. “I want to kiss you because I’ve been trying to work up the courage for about a century now and I think I might have finally found it.”

Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck. “Well, you were sleeping for about 70 years of that century so I guess I can cut you some slack.”

Leaning in, Steve brushed his lips across Bucky’s and pulled back to look at him. Bucky quirked an eyebrow at him. 

“That the best you got Punk? Have you even had a kiss in the last hundred years?” Bucky’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled smugly at Steve.

Steve shrugged. “Only one since I woke up. Guess you’re gonna have to give me some lessons huh? Come on Buck, let’s see what you got.”

Sliding his metal hand up to cradle Steve’s head, Bucky pressed his lips to Steve’s, gently at first, licking and nipping at his bottom lip until Steve’s lips parted with a gasp. He wrapped his free hand  
around Steve’s waist, pulling him closer until their bodies were flush and then he attacked Steve’s mouth again. 

By the time they were forced to pull back to breathe, Steve’s hands were fisted in Bucky’s shirt, and Bucky could feel Steve’s knuckles against his bare skin where his fingers has ripped through Bucky’s shirt in his desperation to keep him close. 

Closing his eyes, Bucky took a deep breath and then opened them, giving Steve the best encouraging smile he could muster. “No matter what Stevie, remember that I love you. Even if everything goes to shit, I hope you know that.”

Steve nodded and buried his face in Bucky’s neck. Bucky could feel the faint trembling rolling through Steve’s body as he struggled to keep himself together. Holding him close, he gathered his own courage before pulling back. “Make the call Steve. If we’re gonna do this, it might as well be now.”

Steve’s grip tightened before he let go, smoothing his hands over Bucky’s chest and then backing away. Picking his phone up from the floor where it had fallen, he scrolled through his contacts for Wanda’s number. As he started to dial, his gaze met Bucky’s. “I love you too Buck. We’re gonna get through this.”

The phone started to ring, the sound easily heard in the quiet room. It was almost immediately answered. His eyes still locked with Bucky’s, Steve waited until Wanda said hello and then spoke.

“Wanda? It’s time…”


End file.
